I think I maybe gay and I'm not like an expert at this so please read my story and help me somehow figure this shit out:

Well for starters I'm JD. I'm 17. I live in NYC, the greatest city on earth, the big apple, and whatever else those "come to New York City. It's amazing!" commericals tell you on TV. Yeah, its not really like that don't be tricked. But I'm getting sidetracked, I often do that. It's a bad habit. I apologize in advance.

Anyway, okay so I have considered myself straight basically my whole life. I have a gf of 4 months named Jenifer and I really like her. I mean I think I do. She's pretty and yea... I've always dated girls, fooled around with girls I just thought that's how it was suppose to be. There were no other options ya know. Especially because my father, who's father and him borth served in the army, always looked down on homosexuality and talked badly about as they put it lightly "those people commiting sin" to me and my brothers and cousins. But something happened to me the other day. I play football, have been playing since I was 11. I'm a wide recievier. Pretty good. If I do say so myself.

Anyway I was in the shower alone after a really long hard game, and I was the last one in the shower for some reason and I thought everyone had gone home, so I started to jerk off. Not something I'm proud of, but it happens. All of a sudden I heard the door open I quickly tried to calm myself down, but it was too late I was exposed.  this sophomore running back Remy was the person who opened the door. Now Remy I have always admired. You have to understand. The kid is bulit like a greek god. He has these powerful toned legs that move so fast and don't jiggle or anything. And his abs are like three times better than mine. Okay maybe not three, but like they are amazing. Like superman or something. Plus and I still have a hard time admitting this to myself, he's really REALLY REALLY REALLY... good looking. he's like beauitful. He's like... so pretty. With these electric blue eyes, and really black dark hair.

When he saw what I was doing in the summer, I quickly tried to explain my self, but he really didn't care. He needed to take a shower as well, so he went to the oppsiste side of the room and dropped his towel. I was compelled to look over. Like really interested I didn't understand why I wanted to look at hm, but I really did. When I look a quick glance at him, I noticed he was looking at my naked body, I felt like exposed or something. He noticed that I was noticing him notice me and he turned bright red.

"I'm sorry" hes like. "You just have a really nice body."

"Not as good as you" I repiled. We smiled at each other, keeping our distances, but still smiling. Then something really strange happened, he slolwy made his way over to me, patted me on the shoulder a little more than friendly, and looked down.

"You've got yourself a nice set of equipment there" he said slowly looking back up at me with his blue eyes. He ran his hand up and down my back and I flinched, I was liking this all a bit too much and I guess it showed. I got real hard. Real quick. And like... ahhh. He kissed me And that's when I fucking freaked. I leaned in at first, since it was actually warm and good. And then it fucking hit me like a ton of bricks. This was a guy, I was kissing. I was so freaked out. That pushed him off of me.

"hey what's..."

but i didn't even let him finish. I ran out of there so fast, before he could catch me. I took the train from my school on the Upper West Side to where I live in midtown on the east side and I swear people kept staring at me, because I was pretty much holding back tears the whole time causing my eyes to redended. They probably thought I was stoned or something. As soon as I got home I called Jen, but she didn't pick up the phone. I felt like a shithead the whole night. I didn't go to sleep or eat dinner. I told my family I was too tired to eat or do anything, but really while everyone was laughing at the dinner table, I was up stairs crying my eyes out.

It's been about three weeks since the incident and all I can think about is Remy. How soft and amazing his kiss felt. How hard I got. I think about it a lot, when I'm making out with Jen. And I feel bad because she's sucha a nice sweet girl, and she would do naything for me. But lately i don't know. I'm not even getting hard for her anymore. Like she tried to give me a handjob the other day, and I couldn't do it. I could not get hard for her. And when she asked what was wrong I had to make some lame excuse about being under a lot of stress.

I keep thinking about Remy and what we did.  I liked it. A lot. Then I feel gulity and horrible. Do you know how hard it would be to come out? How much it would hurt my family?
How much would it hurt Jen? I feel terrible. Like a fucking asshole. What am I gonna do? What should I do? What does everyone think? Please. I'm desperate.

Tags: Confused

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