05/17/2008 02:21:56

I know at the time it doesnt seem like it, but it will get better. It is okay to cry, that doesnt show weakness, not even close. It actually shows strength. It also shows that you have a heart, and that really is a special thing, expecially now a days. Its a strong charactistic that is really good man! I am so sorry about David, which the name itself is strong. I am glad you really did love him, and still do. But I know David would want you to learn to live life again! Just like you did for those 6 months. You really should see that time together as a blessing, and not a curse everytime you see something that reminds you of him. You can use it as a strength man, I promise it will get better. You are already stronger than me, there was someone that I could have easily fell in love with when I was 16, but I was to scared of anything. Afraid of myself, you have more corage than me thats for sure. Just imagine though, what if you was like how I was and never chanced it with David. You would have missed out on alot. It really and truely is (to sound corny again..) to love and lost than to have never loved before. I know you hear that alot everywhere, but the reason why is that it is very true man! Your heart just needs time to heal, and you must let it. To honor David at the least, let it heal! Also, I am sorry about what you went threw with your father. I really dont remember alot of my childhood, and its not because I didnt have a good childhood, I did. But for some reason, and I think it has to do with that wall I made, I blocked alot of it out. I think it has something to do with that for the fact that when I finally broke it, I started remember somethings from my childhood, bits and peices, but its better than nothing. I put a huge bubble around my childhood and let it float away. I want to it back now, and hopefully I will remember more about it.

05/17/2008 00:12:09

Exotine thanks for your kind comment, you are realy a special guy, who I have nothing but respect for,you voice your opinions and your facts of your life with total honesty, hence you are special, but with me I supose I am different from most people, i dont ever remember the good things about growing up as a child,beacuse there wasnt good things to remember, just my father comming home and seeing his fists ect, thats probrably why I am kind of hard phisacly but not mentaly, but hey thats life i supose, the only real pain that ever realy hurt me, was loosing David, wow he was so beautifull, we met at school, and when we were 16 we experimented with each other, touching kissing ect, and when I left home at 17 and moved to Ireland he followed me, out of my 19 years on this earth the 6 months we spent together were the happiest days of my life,whithout him I have nothing to look forwards to, all I have are memories, and to be honest my freind, I am not that strong to get over it, everytime i go to bed, or cook a meal, walk into a room, I think were is he, and dont laugh but I cry like a kid, I respect you for being strong, and I know deep inside I will never be, take care my sweet freind and enjoy life and value second of it, and just be you cus you are a realy special person,
luv jamie xxx

05/16/2008 22:49:43

I am glad they got it taken care of.  I had a friend die from a brain tumor, and that scared me even more when they said I might had one.  Lately I been wondering if the doctors may have been wrong, because my head has been hurting alot lately, and much more serious feeling than before.  I went back to the doctors today, and he believes its a head infection and gave me some medication that should help with it, so I am hoping that is all it is, and this will help!  I am not scared of death, but I am not ready to die.  I hope to live a full long life.  Suicide is something I would NEVER EVER do, I have been extreamly depressed, but I think its the most selfish thing in the world to do, and I couldnt do that to everyone else.  I dont take anti-depresents either, all though they told me I should before.  I have learned to control my emotions, and I am a fairly happy guy, expecially now that I have torn that wall down.  I am less stressed out, which is a great thing, my silver hairs are become fewer and fewer (which was caused from stress).  Jamie, I respect you for telling what you have told, I know that its not easy to tell something like that.  Dont let people bring you down, and as corny as this may sound, but you are truley your worst fear.  If you can overcome yourself, you can overcome anything!  Thats one of my mottos, which I probably heard somewhere and it just kind of stuck with me.  You will overcome it man!  If you ever just need to talk when your down or anything, I am here to listen!  I seem to be good at it...  At least I have stopped alot of people commiting suicide and getting some help, and they are doing alot better now.  It really does sadden me that the suicide rate is highest in the gay comunitiy, and its not because they are nessassarly weak, but more of the way sociaty has treated them.  There is only so much some people can take, and I refuse to lose another friend that way. (Not saying your suicidle, because I can tell that you are truely not!)  But yes, losing a friend, for whatever the reason, it is hard to deal with, but with time, it gets alot better.  I still hurt from losing my friends (car accedent, struck by lightning on a mountain, brain tumor, and someone taking there life that I didnt see coming) thats just to name a few, theres more...  Anyway, I am starting to really ramble on, I will stop here!  But thanks for what you said!  It really and truely means alot!

05/16/2008 13:31:57

I was realy moved by what you have writen here, and trust me I understand how you feel, and the hurt and the pain that you have been through, in your life,I was diagnosed with a brain tumour a few months back, but after regular treatment I seem to be on the mend, except for a continious buzzing in my head due to it, but to be honest with you I was so messed up after loosing someone who I realy loved, who died aged 18, I realy didnt mind,as I thought if I died, I would be with him again, Im 19 now and it takes me a lot of thought to get a grip on my life, I wont take anti depresents or that as I know I have to proove myself strong enough to overcome this, I realy respect and admire you for having the inner strength to state how you feel and your thoughts,
Please take care and remember one thing my freind, you comand respect for your honesty,and personality,

05/16/2008 01:47:19

Why thank you, that really does mean alot to me!

05/16/2008 01:22:20

Exotine. You wrote an incrediable blog. I believe you have written one of the best blogs I have read in here since I have been a member. Well done my friend. Your not alone in this fight and for you to finally share your story should be applauded. Feel free to ask a request to my page. Take care!